Valentine's Day * (rant)

As if Valentine's Day isn't bad enough, now there's a movie called Valentine's Day. And it's still playing in the theaters! This movie directed by Gary Marshall (Pretty Woman/ Runaway Bride) stars EVERYONE including 4 Academy Award winners ( Jamie Foxx, Shirley MacLaine, Julia Roberts and Kathy Bates) and 2 Academy Award nominees (Queen Latifah and Anne Hathaway) . With all that proven acting ability, I had hoped this movie would at least be some kind of fluffy fun. But it didn't even come close to delivering anything entertaining. Everything about this movie made me want to barf!

Valentine's Day takes place on Valentine's Day (surprise, surprise) and follows the intertwining stories of many characters. Some young, some old and some somewhere in the middle. Throughout the day of Feb. 14th, each character experiences their own trials and tribulations about the big four letter word: L-O-V-E! Some are trying to find it; others consummate it. Some are trying to define it while others are trying to hold onto it. While each character is struggling with their own "unique" love quest in glossy LA, many stories over-lap, some surprise connections are revealed and most find their own mushy happy ending. There really is no point in telling you the backgrounds of the characters or what these people do for a living because it's inconsequential. It's Valentine's Day and that's all that matters!

Where to begin with why I hated this movie...

I guess the starting point has to be that every single character (and thus story line associated with them) was fake. I didn't for a second believe that any character was genuine or any situation any of them were in was even remotely plausible. The entire script was as plastic as L.A.

Who in their right mind would buy Julia Roberts playing an American soldier on leave? -even the script had her change out of her uniform as quickly as possible so she could just be another "pretty woman" flirting with a guy on a plane (I kept expecting Richard Gere to make a cameo appearance as a flight attendant) And who could possibly believe that Ashton Kutcher could own and successfully run his own business? It was as close to watching him as the dude from Dude Where's My Car delivering flowers as you could get. (If you haven't seen Dude Where's My Car, I'm saying that he's stupid.) Throw in McDreamy and McSteamy from Grey's Anatomy, a copycat story line of a young boy finding his first love from Love Actually and a horrific (what the hell was the point of that?) appearance by Taylor Swift and you've got one really bad movie!

Even though this film is pitched as a romantic comedy, nothing about it was funny. Everything was so way out of the realm of reality. And yet instead of acknowledging that, the movie actually expected the audience to relate to it somehow. I'm assuming, because I'm a single gal, the character I was suppose to relate to was the only anti-Valentine's day female character in the film. She was a successful business woman who was completely neurotic (because she's single, of course) who liked to host an annual anti-Valentine's day dinner at an Indian restaurant, do a little Bollywood-type jig and then watch her friend smash a pinata like a crazed lunatic. Yeah, sure I like Indian food -BUT I'M NOT INSANE!. I can only assume the film makers were hoping that I would find some comfort that this prattling, chocolate popping, "I'm glad my blackberry vibrates", crazy female found love in the movie. But my immediate response was "I hope that guy who's fallen for her gets immediate psychiatric help" (there's no hope for her but he could possibly still be saved).

The only reason why I watched Valentine's Day until the end was because I was expecting Ashton Kutcher to look directly at the camera at some point and state "You've been punked". Sadly, that didn't happen. Instead, I had to watch the extras in the movie make out on park benches throughout the film and listen to Taylor Swift's God-awful song "Today Was A Fairy Tale". That is almost 2 hours of my life I will never get back!

Valentine's Day only made me happier that I'm single. It made me hate the commercially induced "love day" even more. I don't think this is what the movie intended. But that is how I felt as I fought against dry-heaving. I highly recommend you DO NOT see this movie.

For those of you who may be questioning whether or not I have a romantic bone in my body, I'll admit to this...I still think The Way We Were is one of the best love stories of all time (how's that? - surprised you, didn't I?)

If you're not one who embraces Barbra. but might want to see a quality love story, I have a few other films I could recommend... If you want to see a lovely film about a young girl finding her first love, rent Stealing Beauty. If you'd like to see a film about love standing the test of time, rent Iris. Something passionate yet heartbreaking - Brokeback Mountain. Something epic - Last of the Mohicans. Something funny - Bridget Jones' Diary. Something classic - Pride And Prejudice. Something original - Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

There's some L-O-V-E for ya. And it's not even Feb. 14th!